Weapons of Mass Digust

I have a theory. People living in the city are starting to act a little crazy. A little animalistic. But, perhaps, that's because when people live in close, tight contained spaces like animals, they're gonna start to behave like animals.

The tube is a like a little micro-cosm for this sorta behaviour. We're jammed in there like little rats in plastic lab tunnels. However, I would like to point out, we are not rats. What is it with some people. They get in the tube and they treat it like it's their own personal space. So I'm sitting down on a Saturday, reading my paper, and Joe Sweaty Man gets in the carriage and starts doing stretches. He's doing lunges in front of me. And he is wearing short shorts mind you. And then he turns around, butt to my face, and bends over to touch his toes. This guy is so close I have the vein imprint marks from his ball sack on my forehead. He's using the bars and hanging upside down like a fucking monkey.

I get it on some level. You don't have a lot of time, you gotta do some stretching during your commute. Stretching - fine. Ball sack in my face - not fine. Not human behaviour.

People are doing some very private things very publicly in the city. The other morning on the way to work, girl sitting accross from me is brushing her hair. Her very long, stringy-ass hair. With one of those big fucking brushes the size of canoe paddles. And she's brushing and I can't help watching her. And then you know what she does? She looks at her paddle, and she rips out all of her hair from the brush, gathers it into a ball, and throws it on the carriage floor. And this giant hairball is dancing around now like a fucking tumbleweed of dead human cells. Brushing? Fine. Your fucking hairballs? Not fine.

And you know what? These aren't crazy people. These are normal people acting like animals. And where do we draw the line? What can I like change my tampon on the tube now? Is that okay? When it's been eight hours it's time to change up. Here's a novel idea - why doesn't Ken Livingstone install tampon receptacles in every tube carriage. But I figure even the way it's going now, people would dispense with the dispensers and throw those tampons right onto the platforms between stops like little bloody bombs. It's all ready a minefield of human sweat, hair, breath, skin cells and ball sacks. I can see it now: guy arrives into the office, is at the coffee station pouring a cuppa. Co-worker comes in and says "Oh hey Joe, leeeetle embarrassing, but you got a tampon stuck to your back. Sugar?"