My Side Of The Story

Look, I'm sorry for all the butt talk. I realize it's not everyone's favourite topic. I realize it doesn't get most people fired up. You know what does though? The touchy subject of social etiquette.

I don't care how old you are, what culture you're from -animal or human kingdom - everybody has a fucking opinion on the matter. And you can bet your bottom dollar I do too.

I let most perceived 'faux pas' pass by. But it all changes when money is involved. Take eating out with whoever. I really think the restaurant is the most fertile ground for strange social etiquette to rear it's ugly head. And I'm not talkin' some blind date scenario. Quite the opposite- you can have relatively normal friends, and boom - they make a clucking noise at the waiter to indicate they're ready for the bill or some shit.

Recently I've discovered some odd dining behaviour on the part of a female friend. She cannot go to a restaurant without ordering what she believes to be the best dish on the menu. Completely indecisive. This is a word of advice - never dine out with indecisive people. A menu in and of itself is a list of choices. It's like taking an overeater to the Twinkie factory.

So to avoid possibly ending up with a sub-par meal, she will do anything to do some embarrassing re-con. You can't make eye contact because they're too busy watching shit come out of the kitchen. I've been there when she has asked fellow diners to rate their meal on a scale of 1-10. What, suddenly I'm in a fucking focus group? I thought I was going out to eat. Not work. Eat. A nice meal.

When did eating in restaurants become a fucking chore?

Then she started asking people at our table to share things. Like, "I'll get the salmon, and you get the goat cheeks and we'll share."Okay, maybe couples can share. But what is the fucking problem with eating your own meal?

Or it can even get down to a weird sub-side-dish sharing level. To that I say - just, say, no. Happiness lies not in a side of nutmeg-infused-cardamon-squash-brulee.