When Heads Meet Butts

Allow me to continue on the theme of social etiquette for a moment. I may have been to hasty with my claim that restaurants are potentially the most fertile places for awkward social situations to arise. I am reminded of the time I tried to give up the much beloved, and yet much feared KISS GREET.
In Canadia, we do not not kiss greet. We hold steadfast to the handshake, and even that's getting a little to intimate for our liking. Most times is a casual head nod of recognition or a 'hey'. 'Man'.
When I started living in Britain, I must admit, I was surprised you guys were on the kiss greet system. It just seems so, European, so French. But no - you're all over this shit.
The problem with the KG Integrated System of First Social Contact is that although the moves are pretty standardized: you lean in, you air kiss cheek one, you air kiss cheek two; somehow, no one in this country ever gets it fucking right.
And what's more, it is possibly the worst way to interact with a total stranger. Why must we offer up our bodies for a blessing of saliva, bad breath and body odour? It is a strange baptism. I didn't try to give up because I'm a retent or anything, I gave up out of necessity.
As I said, a number of things can go wrong. The most dangerous is the cross sparring of heads when one of you goes for the left side when the other is going for the right. Then you get a broken nose when you merely wanted to say hello.
Also, I could be wrong on this, but we are all on the understanding that it's AIR KISS only right? Right? How many times have you given air and received a big, fat, sloppy wet freaking labrador suction lock? I've ended up with hickeys from women for god's sakes.
There is just too much room for error for my liking. And I'm not saying I've got this thing locked down either. I've kissed earlobes. I've whispered sweet nothings. I've cupped the back of peoples boyfriends' necks. One time, I just blanked out, I went in for the KG and I ended up
kissing some guy's knob. I swear to god.
And even when you do think you've got it down, you meet a Dutch person. Those crazy bastards are on not one, not two, but three fucking kisses.
Even the inevitable wait before you are going to have to kiss greet someone makes me anxious.
Are we as a nation, that un-coordinated, that awkward we can't nail the system we've been practicising for a few hundreds years? Cripes, even Tim Henman threw in the towel quicker.
I'll tell you one sportsman (and Frenchman I might add) who has the whole thing down: Zinedine Zidane. A quick headbutt would put me and everyone else in this country out of their misery.