GPS'd Off
I don't normally discount statistics. When somone quotes something to me in numbers, hands up to you my friend that statement must be correct.But I really distrust the number of reported infidelities amongst couples these days.
Why? Well for one, to have an affair requires a certain amount of privacy and anonymity during the day. And I get the feeling that your 'better half' knows where you are at every single fucking minute of every single day. They've got you tracked better than the last dough ball on the plate at Pizza Express.
How do I know this? Well in my last office job we were in cubicles or 'pod formations' where you're invariably forced to listen to your co-workers' conversations. And usually, they are about Jack. Shit. My boss would call his HIS partner at timed intervals during the day to track her progress.
"So have you planted those bulbs in the garden yet? How was that? How did that make you feel? Mmm hmmm. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm."
And hour later "So what are you making for dinner? No we had fish last night. And? And? And?"
An hour later,"So where are you now? Do you need me to pick up anything on the way home? I'm leaving at 5:30 is that good for you?"
It's the conversations like these that suck your soul out - are couples TRYING to drain any possible remaining element of surprise and delight out of their relationships?
And just when you've left the office and find yourself on a dreary train ride home, with all of the other monkeys that have left at their aforementioned times,you are forced to listen to this coversation:
"Hi honey it's Greg 'no balls' here, the train has just left the station."
I mean come on, your partner, Greg, knows when you are leaving every, single, day.
Then twenty minutes later you get "Hi honey, yes we're pulling up to the station. Yup we're allllllmost there. Here we are. We're getting there. Yes we are, yes we are!" I mean what is with the constant tracking? And doesn't the phone call at the station negate the demand for the approach phone call? And couples, do you know how fucking irritating it is to have your progress narrated to you?
"Weeeeeeeeee're just pulling in. Annnnnnnnnnd we're stepping off the train onto the platform. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I'm just being pushed off the track to my untimely death by a very attractive blonde here honey. Honey, I gotta go."
I've digressed a little but let me tell you why I don't trust the stats on known infidelity. Known infidelity means that eventually, you get caught out. When the hell is a woman ever going to catch her husband cheating when she can track the micro-second his dick has hit the porcelain for a post-lunch Ribena piss?
It is unlikely you will ever hear this side of a phone call: "Mmmmm hmmm. Yup, no I'm just coming up the street. I'm checking some chick's ass out. Uh huh. I've just hit the driveway. I'm looking at the car. I'm looking at the trash - they didn't take the trash away- and I'm looking in the window. And I see you. Fucking the trash guy. Yup, no that's me. Hi honey, I'm home!"
I don't normally discount statistics. When somone quotes something to me in numbers, hands up to you my friend that statement must be correct.But I really distrust the number of reported infidelities amongst couples these days.
Why? Well for one, to have an affair requires a certain amount of privacy and anonymity during the day. And I get the feeling that your 'better half' knows where you are at every single fucking minute of every single day. They've got you tracked better than the last dough ball on the plate at Pizza Express.
How do I know this? Well in my last office job we were in cubicles or 'pod formations' where you're invariably forced to listen to your co-workers' conversations. And usually, they are about Jack. Shit. My boss would call his HIS partner at timed intervals during the day to track her progress.
"So have you planted those bulbs in the garden yet? How was that? How did that make you feel? Mmm hmmm. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm."
And hour later "So what are you making for dinner? No we had fish last night. And? And? And?"
An hour later,"So where are you now? Do you need me to pick up anything on the way home? I'm leaving at 5:30 is that good for you?"
It's the conversations like these that suck your soul out - are couples TRYING to drain any possible remaining element of surprise and delight out of their relationships?
And just when you've left the office and find yourself on a dreary train ride home, with all of the other monkeys that have left at their aforementioned times,you are forced to listen to this coversation:
"Hi honey it's Greg 'no balls' here, the train has just left the station."
I mean come on, your partner, Greg, knows when you are leaving every, single, day.
Then twenty minutes later you get "Hi honey, yes we're pulling up to the station. Yup we're allllllmost there. Here we are. We're getting there. Yes we are, yes we are!" I mean what is with the constant tracking? And doesn't the phone call at the station negate the demand for the approach phone call? And couples, do you know how fucking irritating it is to have your progress narrated to you?
"Weeeeeeeeee're just pulling in. Annnnnnnnnnd we're stepping off the train onto the platform. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I'm just being pushed off the track to my untimely death by a very attractive blonde here honey. Honey, I gotta go."
I've digressed a little but let me tell you why I don't trust the stats on known infidelity. Known infidelity means that eventually, you get caught out. When the hell is a woman ever going to catch her husband cheating when she can track the micro-second his dick has hit the porcelain for a post-lunch Ribena piss?
It is unlikely you will ever hear this side of a phone call: "Mmmmm hmmm. Yup, no I'm just coming up the street. I'm checking some chick's ass out. Uh huh. I've just hit the driveway. I'm looking at the car. I'm looking at the trash - they didn't take the trash away- and I'm looking in the window. And I see you. Fucking the trash guy. Yup, no that's me. Hi honey, I'm home!"
posted by KarenFantana at 1:10 PM
2 Comments:
Tis too true, but the mobile certainly facilitates adultery too. I don't know how illicit affairs ever got started when you couldn't text, with immediate embarrassed regret, your, er, carnal wishes in 100 characters. Do you think people used to send them via telgram? I A-M I-M-A-G-I-N-I-N-G Y-O-U I-N C-R-O-T-C-H-L-E-S-S P-A-N-T-I-E-S STOP
I love the use of food related images to enhance your point i.e. pizza express dough balls and ribena piss - those both raised a hearty laugh from me. How right you are about the pointless calls detailing every second of the same journey day in day out, how insecure can some couples be. Just fit your other half with a tracking device like a fricking car.
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