The Female Beast

Not one to shy away from controversial remarks, I'm just gonna say this and stand by it forever. Or until someone deconstructs my argument on every level in a logical and biting critique. Or until someone just tells me I'm full of crap. With conviction. You heard it here first folks: women are animals.

Now ladies, ladies, ladies - don't get your panties in a twist. I am a female. Surely this means I can get away with statements like this right? I'm one of you! I care! I was prompted to make this call recently when a male friend asked me the age old question:


Guy: What, oh wise Karen Fantana, what is it that women really want?
Me: What do women want? I'll tell you what women want. And you're gonna like this.
Guy: I hope women don't just want us to listen to them because I'm going to the cinema in 5 and I can't listen to your crap for long.
Me: Shut it. Women want only one of two things. 1) To be touched and 2) To be fed.
Guy: So, women are like dogs? A good scratch and a good feed?



Okay so we're not like dogs. That would be quite offensive. It's a little more sophisticated than that, but we are animalistic. Seriously try touching your girlfriend by stroking her hair, rubbing her feet or her shoulders. If you are living in the Appalacian mountains and your girlfriend is a dog then I'm not sure why you're still reading. If you're testing a human woman then I promise you will get an instant result of gratification and deep love.

If you don't get this result and find she does not in fact want to be touched then try feeding her. You can take her out (Olive Garden, the Outback Steakhouse or any 'eatery' on an industrial estate are off the menu) BUT it works better if you go into the kitchen and 'whip' something up. Like chocolate fondue. Or anything with melted cheese on it. She will be in the palm of your hand and her heart will be yours.

So to review: it's touch or food. It's that simple.

This little admission struck a chord with my male friend. "You're so right!" he tells me, "because when I was managing a strip club in Spain I would come in with lollipops once every week and the girls would go wild over them and me! They loved it!"

Me: See? What did I tell you. If you can't touch (they are strippers after all) then feed.
Guy: Wait. Maybe this just means that strippers just want lollipops. Not that women just want to be touched or fed.
Me: Maybe so, maybe so. But if a lollipop falls in a strip club and the base is pumping so no one hears it, does it really make a sound?
Guy: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: Dunno. I'm full of crap to be honest.
Guy: True dat. You wanna hit the Olive Garden and catch a late movie?

Karen Fantana