What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?

In my humble opinion, the answer to this question posed in the classic English sea shanty was never quite satisfactory to me. If you're not a seventeenth century explorer or pirate and haven't heard this little diddy, here are a few of the suggestions for dealing with drunk blokes in the song:

1. Shave his belly with a rusty razor
2. Put him in bed with the captain's daughter
3. Put him in the long boat till he's sober


Shaving your bedmate's belly with a rusty razor is just well, mean. I do however understand why a gal might feel like getting back at her man when he is too pissed to do his duties. But gangreen ain't gonna help anybody.

And I doubt many of us ladies own a long boat or know any sea captains. So what is a gal to do when her man is pissed and flacid? Sorry - I hate to use the word flacid so willy nilly but that's what I mean. For once.

I've taken it upon myself to suggest a few fun activities when your man is flacid. See, I did it again.

1) You may want to take this time to sit on his face. Just puttin' it out there.

2) It is a perfect opportunity to ask him to 'define the relationship'. Seriously, men love that question.

3) Give him an ultimatum (men love these too): get it up, or get out. Men can also get it up when under immense pressure.

4) Pillow fight! Then ask him if he finds your best friend attractive.

5) Shave his belly with a rusty razor. Shit, that actually is a good idea. The man was selfish and put beer before you and sex. He is stupid and deserves gangreen.

Karen Fantana

Every Time A Bell Rings

If you haven't already purchased a goat from Oxfam to bestow on a needy third-worlder this Christmas, you needn't worry. You still have time to do your bit for society this year. If you are in an unsatisfying, dead-end relationship, well Christmas has come early for you my friend. Because the Yule Tide season is arguably THE best time to break-up with a loved one.

How is that giving back you ask? Well think about it. You'll be freeing up thousands of lawyers' billable hours to do more worthy work (insert guffaw here) in four years time, not to mention saving yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars and putting less strain on the mental health industry when you seek help as you feel yourself being nagged into an early grave.

I digress - this was supposed to be a hap-happy Christmas themed post. Okay, so breaking up is hard at the worst of times, but doing it now can save you a lot of aggrovation and hardship. Here's why EX-MAS is the most wonderful time of year to break up:

1) Like good rational beings we turn to the drink to get us through the 'merriment.' When you cut the cord, there will be dozens of office parties, wine 'n cheese 'dos, egg-nog chugging fests for your loved one to drown their sorrows.

2) And this really is an extension of no. 1, with so many Christmas parties going on, your partner is bound to find solace in the arms of another drunken reveller in no time. And once they've had break-up sex but only because they were hammered and missing you, well it's too late. The deal has been sealed. What a gift.

3) Stating the obvious - breaking up = one less chump on your Christmas gift list. Actually I would keep their name on there with the words "cold hard curb" next to it as gift just for shits and giggles. And to keep you motivated.

4) Family is everywhere this time of year. You can't escape them. Perfect for them, bad for you. Can you stand the thought of sitting through another 'Aunty May's Annual 108th Thing I Can Make With Cremated Ham' buffet? Didn't think so.

5) Speaking of ham, we all know women like to eat through the pain. Cut your missus out of your life and send her packing with the six pound fruitcake you just got from Aunty May. Kills two birds with one stone.

There's five good reasons to do some bad-good this season. If you were thinking of waiting until New Years Eve to do the business, well I applaud you. Not many people can pull of the 24-style countdown break-up. But if you want to make it easier on yourself, start the clock ticking right now.

Karen Fantana